I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
