I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
