you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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