I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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