Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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