The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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