i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
