batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
