I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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