i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
