at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
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