I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
