Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
