I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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