I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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