the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
did i walk over a car last night?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
