hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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