tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
