The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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