I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
