I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
