My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
