Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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