My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
im six kinds of drunk right now
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
