we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
