i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
