Will you blow on my dice?
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
