I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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