I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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