No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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