Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize