; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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