I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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