Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Pants are for mortals
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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