I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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