She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
