and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
