you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize