I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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