put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
