oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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