Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's shark week go big or go home
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
