I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
