Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize