my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
