I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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