this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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