Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
