Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
