I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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