Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
