I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
kristin has been a bad kristin
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Drunk is not a location!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
