we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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