Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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