Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
