omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
