I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
