dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
