So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
