I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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